Healer Extraordinaire

Great Truths Revealed

2006-03-17T07:34:00.000-08:00

Great Truths About Growing Old Which The Doctor Will Share...

1) Growing old is mandatory; Growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

"Age and treachery outdoes youth and vigor every time."
~Anonymous~

One Mis-Step And You're Jell-o

2006-02-15T08:39:00.000-08:00

The aftermath of war was the subject of the latest question to The Doctor

Dear Doctor Seagull,

Sometimes landmines are a killer. Sometimes just a detour. How do you safely navigate? I'm just curious.

Signed,

Tiptoeing in Tajikistan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Tiptoe,

Dealing with landmines is one of the terrible facts of our world today. In the aftermath of warfare millions of these devices have been left hiding where they can do serious damage to young children, farmers and their oxen, and visiting dignitaries such as The Doctor who has been worried about having to learn to walk with a prosthetic limb whenever he has been forced to travel in these poor war-ravaged locales. He has, however, discovered a few remedies and safeguards.

When traveling in areas with heavy concentrations of minefields, The Doctor likes to make sure that he hires a dozen or so locals to walk ahead of him on the road or trail He is traversing. Then when a poor local has the misfortune to step upon a hidden landmine, the native can be quickly replaced with his cousin who is also willing to do such work for a surprisingly (To The Doctor's point of view) miniscule salary. The Doctor is not a total unfeeling employer, however. If an employee has a "mishap", The Doctor makes sure to stop any dangerous ex-sanguination and bandage the bleeding stump of the ex-employee. Also, as a warm humanitarian gesture, he will give him a munificent $100.00 compensation for said missing limb before continuing upon his way. He is a kind and generous man.

Go thou and do likewise.

Sincerely,

Doctor (detour?notwhenthere'ssomanywillingemployees) Seagull

"Ideas are the factors that lift civilization. They create revolutions. There is more dynamite in an idea than in many bombs."
~Bishop Vincent~

...And After Three Days, They All Start To Smell

2006-02-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

The Question arises many times, what to do with unwanted guests

Dearest Doctor Seagull,

When beings come to visit us, they do not seem to want to leave. My son had a friend who came to visit & stayed for three months. I have a relative who came to visit nearly three years ago, & is still around more than not, & a little stray dog who has been here for nearly four years. My daughter's friends are here most every week-end & every school vacation. These beings sometimes appear to be more comfortable in my home than I am. To date, even my worst of moods has not run them off.
Any suggestions?

In urgent hopes,

Crowded in Crested Butte

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Crowded,

Perhaps The Doctor is not the best person to query about this particular problem seeing as how The Doctor let one woman do His laundry ten years ago and now has 20 wives. However, a few simple suggestions come to mind...

1. Wear no clothing and paint your body with colorful water-based paint so that you look like the craziest of crazy persons. While in this state go around the house yelling, "EVERYBODY LIMBO!!" at the top of your lungs.

2. Buy a 12-gauge shotgun and empty rounds into the floor while jacking new cartridges into the chamber... remark upon the "neat noise" to you guests.

3. Place Measles Quarantine labels upon all the doors of your house. When questioned about them, deny that you have measles in your house. Deny it vociferously as if you were trying to hide something. Watch the fun!

4. Put Rohypnol (date rape drug) into the cola which you serve your guests. Once they are incapacitated and unconscious, dis-robe them and place their bodies in interesting poses and photograph them. When you guests recover consciousness, show them photos and black-mail them to stay away.

5.... and the last but certainly not least... Whenever one of your unwanted guests comes over be really friendly to them and mention that you do not get enough visitors ever since you were found to be H.I.V. positive... beg them to stay.

Good Luck,

Sincerely,

Doctor (whynotbuyaskunkforapet?) Seagull

To send a letter to The Doctor, come to www.radioparadise.com

Tequila Mockingbird

2006-01-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

Recently The Doctor was questioned as to the nature of Tequila and cut-rate operations South of the border.

Hi Doctor Seagull,

I Have been drinking the tequila here in Mexico.

Do you think there are good liver transplants here?

Should I go to the Witch Doctor in town and ask him or do you have good Advice. Also which is the best tequila? Should you drink straight shots with lime and salt or should you drink slowly and have 6 margaritas daily? I think if you start in the morning, then you will be pickled for the rest of the day and you won't pick up Mexican bugs. They are crawling you know.

Also please tell me if I should get a witch doctor or a regular transplant doctor.

Thank you and happy drinking,

Pickled In Acapulco

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Pickled

Please be careful with the tequila. It is distilled from the fermented juice of the maguey cactus and has many un-known side-effects. The Doctor's last incident concerning tequila involved a surgical team, six weeks of traction and a shining pair of handcuffs loaned by the friendly officer.

Let caution be your guide.

As to type, and how to drink the rotten stuff, here's how The Doctor sees it:

Margaritas are only for when there are women present, when guys are drinking tequila, it is only the gay guys who order margaritas. Pounding shots of tequila (with lime and salt) is really the only way to do it correctly. Tequila is meant to damage liver and brain cells and cannot do its job correctly when diluted in a Margarita (besides, The Doctor believes that Cointreau is poison).

If possible, drink reposado. If rich, drink single barrel reposado anejo. If merely picky, then drink Sauza Conmemorativo.

As to transplants... The Doctor recommends that you travel from Mexico to Panama where the quality of operative antisepsis is much higher and your chances of contracting something as horrible as Systemic Malarial Infestation or H.I.V. or maybe a nice case of leprosy (Hansen's Disease) are slightly lower. As to finding a healthy liver for the transplant you have come to the right location... The Doctor has business associates who can find you a compatible liver in approx 4-5 working days, no questions asked, for only $15,000. Please let The Doctor know.

Sincerely,

Doctor (andhewokeupinabathtubfulloficewithahugescar) Seagull

"A computer promotes the making of more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
~~ Doctor Seagull ~~

Be A Doctor, Doctor!

2006-01-27T20:57:00.000-08:00

A two-fold letter, questioning the nature of the sender's educational routes and the role of his professions and tax accounting.

Dear Doc Seagull,

I want to be a Doctor. Not just refer to myself as such to get chicks and free manicures, or give out sage advice. I want to BE a Doctor. You know where the I.R.S. asks you 'occupation' on all it's forms? There. I want to put down DOCTOR and not get that queasy, burning sense of guilt I get when I put down PHILANTHROPIST or GUITAR VIRTUOSO. Any advice?

signed,

Headed for Medschool

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Headed,

Becoming a medical doctor is a winnowing process which The Doctor cannot recommend to you as being conducive to creating healers with hearts atuned towards the patient's human needs. However, if you want that legal M.D. to place upon your shingle, then The Doctor says; "go for it!" These days there are many medical schools overseas which are looking for students. Plus it is understood that even in the USA, some schools are actively recruiting. Do note that whatever route you take, student loans will be a lifetime albatross. There is also the proviso warning that doctors are making less and less money per working hour than ever before. Being a doctor should be a calling and not a profession. Merely worrying about how to designate yourself on your yearly tax statement shouldn't be the prod which sends you onward into the shredder.

Now, as to the I.R.S., most people are not aware that the I.R.S. is swamped. They only really get to look closely at about 15% of all the tax reports (1040) submitted by the populace. Of all these 15% actually looked at, less than 6% of those are actually audited and of the citizens audited, only 2% actually get penalties beyond financial fees assessed against them. (granted, the fees and penalties and interest can be a huge and ugly amount but all things can be negotiated ~ remember to be firm) So your chances of actually running afoul of the I.R.S. as long as you keep your return within standard parameters, most likely you will fall into the remaindered 85% whose tax statements only get a quick once-over by the computers which sort the pile which falls across the I.R.S.'s threshold ever year. The Doctor does advise, however, that you mail your tax return on April 15th exactly so that your return will arrive during the rush and therefore will be more likely to be lost in the sorting.

Remember to ALWAYS pay your taxes fairly and do not try to evade legal taxes.

Sincerely,

Doctor (subtractlinesixteenfromtheaccumlatedsumoflinesfivesixandnine) Seagull

"The only things certain are death and taxes... and they're working on death."
~ Doctor Seagull (from "The Wit And Wisdom Of Doctor Seagull") ~

Up Up And Away!!!

2006-01-25T00:11:00.000-08:00

Not everyone is in abject pain. Some are merely clueless...

Dear Doctor Seagull,

I am convinced that I have superpowers buried deep within my psyche. How can I get them to manifest?

Humbly,

Signed, Superhero Wannabe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Superhero,

The Doctor needs to tell you that we ALL have superpowers locked deep within our psyches and it only takes hours of patience, concentration, luck and/or large doses of psychotropic substances to unlock them. In order to get your own powers to manifest themselves and allow you to access them for the good of all mankind, please follow the steps outlined below.

1. Purify you body by fasting thirteen days eating only fresh fruit and the cleanest of spring waters.
2. Purify you mind by spending two hours a day in lotus position concentrating on a mustard seed placed two feet in front of your legs and during meditation imagine said mustard seed growing into a bush.
3. Make yourself a skin-tight and flexible suit of clothes, preferably with vivid colors and a cape (conversely, Edna (E) Mode, the clothes designer from "The Incredibles" says... "No capes! Dahling!!").
4. Get a publicist to get you good press (Spiderman needs one of these).
5. Go and Save Mankind.

As with any and all advice given by The Doctor, please note that your results may vary.

Sincerely,

Doctor (inasinglebound) Seagull

"What I do is based on powers we all have inside us; the ability to endure; the ability to love, to carry on, to make the best of what we have – and you don’t have to be a ‘Superman’ to do it."
~~Christopher Reeve~~

The Loneliness Of The "Nice Guy"

2006-01-22T06:04:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest questions of all time was asked of The Doctor...

Dear Dr. Seagull,

Why do all the nice guys have to watch the jerks get women? Perhaps the correct question is "Why are so many women attracted to assholes, and so few attracted to nice, grown-up men?" (they do exist) I've seen it over and over, women trying to stick it out with creeps who s**t all over them, while at the same time they turn down anybody who will treat them with respect...

Signed,

Madman From Maine

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Madman,

The Doctor has done some research on the subject and He's beginning to believe that the culprit to the whole problem is the capacity of the hormone Estrogen to affect the mental well-being of the average female adult. Research by credible universities has shown that girls who are pre-pubescent have very high self-esteem quotients but when they have been interviewed and tested merely two years later, after puberty has set in, the girls/women have a much lower sense of self and tend to be much more prone to outside manipulation. This is the stage when these poor young mademoiselles seem to be prone to allowing cute but insensate boys to control their lives.

Fortunately for most women, this problem seems to disappear by the time they reach thirty. However, by that time, most of the damage has been done and they have gone through the mill with at least one or two boyfriends or lovers who are abusive and controlling. The girls seem to put up with these bad relationships because they believe that they deserve them.

The Doctor feels that this puts a moral obligation upon women in their early middle ages to start mentoring young girls. These women, taking the experiences of a lifetime (and the higher self-esteem which having lower estrogen levels seems to bring them), should reach out to their teen-age sisters and steer them clear of the loser boyfriends who made their elder's lives miserable and perhaps direct these fresh, eager-eyed lasses towards those nerdy but kind men who will make their lives more productive, loving, and happy.

Sisters of the World Rise Up!! Help Your Younger Siblings Avoid Bad Choices.

This message has been paid for by Doctor Seagull's Political Action Committee Against Stupidity.

Sincerely,

Doctor (yesdearhe'scutebuthe'sabutthead) Seagull

For more information about Dr. Seagull, contact www.radioparadise.com and join the forum.

Where Do You Want To Go Today?

2006-01-20T07:51:00.000-08:00

The Doctor is constantly asked about careers, as is evidenced by this letter.

Dear Doctor Seagull,

I need some help with my career. I've been a programmer, a systems analyst, a dive motel desk-jockey, a technical writer, a street musician, and a network administrator.

I want a good job, a brainless, high-paying job that will allow me to spend the afternoon in the executive hottub and not be missed, while simultaneously maintaining and accruing job security and respect from the riffraff - any ideas?

Signed,

I Jus' Wanna Be Rich!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear I Jus',

The Doctor recommends psychiatry. It is fun, rewarding, and seldom involves heavy lifting.

Barring being able to go through the training necessary for this profession (or the guile to buy a diploma as The Doctor did), then perhaps stock broker or bookie might be a good profession. The Doctor is aware of little difference between the two. Both involve getting miserable people to gamble and both require the heart and soul of a Mako Shark. They do, however, pay well.

Barring these suggestions, have you considered becoming king? There was a gentleman named Norton who successfully declared himself Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico and proceeded to live his life paying for nothing because he got people to indulge his insane behavior and comp meals, hotel rooms, clothing etc. to this strange yet amusing man. Give it a try. The USA is in need of men of his caliber.

Sincerely,

Doctor (whereisEmperorNortonnowthatweneedhim?) Seagull

"A Fool's Paradise is better than none!"
~ Doctor Seagull ~

Nailing the Head on the Hit

2006-01-19T08:25:00.000-08:00

Recently, a question about the nature of healing injuries came to The Doctor

Dear Doctor Seagull,

A couple of months back, a cute little 5-year-old girl slammed my thumb in a car door (accidentally) - after bleeding profusely and dancing better than I ever have before, I got it under control and it started to heal. Now, I need to know what can I do to make my thumbnail (which had to be surgically removed (by me, a screwriver, a pair of surgical shears, and a small plastic baggie of organic green (and gold) stuff)) grow back and look quasi (or, hopefully totally) normal?

In Hopes Of Healing,

Signed, Lefty

~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Lefty,

The Doctor is assuming that there is some growth of the nail or you wouldn't be asking this question. If there is some growth, then the tendency of the body is to re-establish the nail eventually. The Doctor has seen this process take up to a year to finally resolve the re-growth and He will warn you that you may never get the nail to come back as straight or smooth as it once was.

If, however, as the nail was removed the cuticle root of the nail was damaged, then short of multiple surgeries to "graft" nail root onto the end of the finger, nothing can probably be done about the missing nail short of cosmetic nail replacements which are temporary at best. The nail is actually a type of hair and just like hair, without a healthy follicle, it cannot grow.

Consult your local physician and see if you cannot use this painful experience to get some good drugs out of him.

Sincerely,

Doctor (manthatmustahurt!!!) Seagull

"I hate it when that happens!"
~Billy Crystal~

Short Discussion About Stress

2006-01-16T10:54:00.000-08:00

How to deal with unreasoning bureaucrats, this was recently asked:

Dear Doctor Seagull,

I'm havin' a real hard time with public servants nowadays. For instance, after researching the US Post Office web site, it says they take debit ,cash, & traveler checks to purchase a post office money order. After spending 15 minutes in line, I get to the podium only to be told they ONLY take cash.

NOW,the information I observed, from the USPS web site, plainly said differently.
How would you of handled this situation?

Signed,

Really Stressed

~~~

Dear Stressed,

The Doctor had a similar situation when dealing with his local municipality's parking ticket system (a most unreasonable group of people The Doctor will assure you) and He recalls that at that time He found the name of the manager in charge of the parking division and sent him a series of harassing and intimidating letters until he got what he wanted and an abject apology to boot.

The Doctor has discovered that when dealing with bureaucrats (and receptionists, their evil spawn), it is advisable to take a long-term view and delay the instant gratification of pulling one's pistol out of hiding and hosing down the room full of miscreants. That way one can bask in the joy of long-term gratification which comes from making some poor cubicle dweller's life so miserable that the wheels of justice grind a little faster to your ultimate reward.

It is much more satisfying and seems to get one arrested less often.

Sincerely,

Doctor (hemademesomadeyewantedtogivehimatwelvegaugeenema) Seagull

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
~~Will Rogers~~

Wanted: Strong, Dark And Handsome

2006-01-13T00:53:00.000-08:00

Recently The Doctor gave career advice to one seeking a change.

Dear Doctor Seagull,

I'm a carpenter, but I'm getting too old to build houses and it's only gonna get worse. And I get little to no satisfaction from it, emotionally speaking. And there's no job security, and working outside in Montana in the winter sucks.

So I've decided to become a nurse. I've tossed the idea around for years. I think I'd be good at it, and find it interesting, and the demand is there, and it's a relatively short school term (as new careers go), and nurses work indoors almost all the time.

Be a coupla years--gotta pay off a couple of things, so we can make it on my lovely wife's salary while I go to school--but it just might be a plan.

Whaddaya think, Doc?

Signed,

Musing of Medschool

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Musing,

The Doctor says that a career in medical science can be rewarding and lucrative. If you plan on becoming a nurse, The Doctor recommends that you opt for long-term care as the best field to be in. That is the field which is the hardest for the managers to fill because it doesn't pay as much but considering the fact that it is easy to ignore the patient's care and relax, it all evens out.

But the main advantage to this plan is in the patients. Long-term care patients are usually elderly women making reservations for the beyond. Lonely, elderly, tired and scared women who yearn for a friend. They are suckers for a strong and gentle male presence. A male presence who makes them feel loved, who makes them feel cared for, who makes them sign a new will and leave everything to him. The Doctor is sure that he doesn't have to draw you a map.

Happy Hunting.

Sincerely,

Doctor (honesteyelovedherjustlikeason) Seagull

To ask your very own questions to The Doctor, go to www.radioparadise.com and sign onto the forum

Pretzel Logic

2006-01-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

In the near past, The Doctor was asked to advise upon children's mental health...

Dear Doc,

My #2 son (12 years of age) has become interested in getting every joint in his body to bend the wrong way - he can bend most of his fingers backwards and sideways to a point where, if I see it happening, my solar plexus knots up & I feel all queasy.

Should I be worried?

Signed, Uncorked in Utah

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Uncorked,

Most societies have had contortionists and "freaks" to admire and gawk at for generations. That your child has chosen of his own free will to seek to become one of these only points to one of two things:

1) He is looking down the road towards a career, and just like that boy who just knows he's gonna be a doctor when he grows up, knows that he wants to be able to fit into a plexiglass box the size of a rat cage. Since this career can be well-rewarded and never fails to be interesting, perhaps this should be encouraged.

Or,

2) He is seeking attention through outrageous behavior. This is both a good and a bad sign. The good sign is that he is seeking attention and this means that he still wants your approval and will probably accept some direction if more appropriate attention is paid to him. ...and the bad sign is because it means that he has tried to get your attention with more plebian methods and been unable to do so. The Doctor may wish that you explore the nature of your relationship.

Either way, The Doctor wants you to know that the addition of sedation (for the parent) might help considerably.

Sincerely,

Doctor (mygodhowdoeshedothat?) Seagull

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.
~~King Edward VIII~~

There's No Kind of Ease Like Disease!

2005-12-31T20:21:00.000-08:00

...And as the cold and flu season goes past, many worry about contagion

Dear Doctor,

While I have been fortunate enough to keep my health throughout this holiday season, I seem to be getting a scratchy throat and itchy nose. I'm thinking it could be a cold I'm catching. I've begun taking Echinacea and Goldenseal, and will go get some zinc tomorrow.

As you have probably become aware, there will be small gatherings of peeps happening in a faraway places on New Years weekend. This brings me to my questions.

I have no desire to inflict any illness on others. What would the most prudent course of action be?

Also, I feel that large airplanes are simply a convenience store for infectious disease. How can I avoid giving others this cold? And how can one best protect oneself against the army of bugs on a plane?

Signed,

Paula Pulmonary

~~~~~~~

Dear Paula,

Good questions both! First and foremost The Doctor must express sympathy for your feeling unwell... Winter viral infections are not fun, especially when they are of the pulmonary system.

Now, the most infectious period of any cold or flu is the first three days after onset of symptoms, this is when the virus is reproducing itself within the patient at the highest rate and before the human's immune system has produced enough anti-bodies to curtail the exponential reproductive abilities of the common cold or flu virus. During this period, however, if one is conscientious about covering one's face when sneezing with a cloth and washing one's hands constantly and all surfaces one handles after touching one's mouth or nose or holding the hankie. A bottle of hand-sanitizer wouldn't be amiss as well... remember, 90% of all rhinoviruses are transmitted by touching an infected surface and only 10% are caused by ejected mucoid secretions during a sneeze or cough.

There are also some rather good cloth/paper hybrid face masks which can stop the spread of disease very well and The Doctor recommend that you keep a supply at home, in your car and when traveling. Consult you local pharmacist.

You have brought up a point which The Doctor must comment upon, if traveling in a commercial airliner, the air will be filled with much suspensions of infected mucoid water droplets so wearing a mask is also a prophylactic measure when you are well. The Doctor also feels that getting completely smashed upon copious drams of Stolichnaya can alleviate the potential for disease through the mouth.

Sincerely,

Doctor (excusemeifeyedon'tshakehands) Seagull

"There are some remedies worse than the disease."
~~Publilius Syrus~~

The Course Of Love... Sort Of Like The Mississippi

2005-12-30T10:31:00.000-08:00

Many people ask The Doctor what to do about a quiescent love life...

Dear Doctor Seagull,

Why can't I have a loving long term relationship? Is it me? Is it too much to want tenderness and lovemaking?
Am I wrong here?

Help me doc!

Signed, Craving Asofttendertouch

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Craving,

Your cry of despair does not go un-noticed by The Doctor. It is a common problem with most people that they seem to be unable to find love in this horribly difficult world. Many men and many women who The Doctor finds to be wonderful humans seem to be alone and hurting. It is to be commiserated about and perhaps The Doctor can throw some light upon what are a few of the problems and solutions.

1. The Doctor has noted that women require both strength and good loving and tenderness from the same man. Perhaps this near-impossibility can be side-stepped if women start practicing polyandry or clan marriage relationships so that they can marry that workaholic who really loves to make money but really only wants someone to take care of his domestic bliss and also marry that writer or artist who fucks like a hero and listens to you when you speak and likes to go to the symphony with you but is a total schlub when it comes to practical matters. This affords the possibility of fewer men going lonely and gives the women the kind of love and support she looks for in a man.

2. Many successful women of today are unwilling to marry men who make less money than they do thereby limiting the list of available men who potentially could make good mates. Why can't that career-minded Assistant District Attorney who is making 90K a year marry the brick-layer who only makes 40K if he is a strong and gentle lover and a fine father? Women need to make the preternatural last step in their journey towards true liberation and start to allow themselves to acheive more than their spouses. It is truly more democratic as well.

3. Looking inside. Women dismiss a geek because he dresses poorly, has thick glasses and stoops a bit. Actually he is a prince amongst men and after that wise and lucky girl has taken him under her wing, introduced him to a good tailor, gotten him used to the contact lenses and put him through that much needed course in Rolfing to improve his posture, she will be proud to show him off to her jealous girlfriends. Look into the core of your mate and pick the strong and gentle ones... the rest can be learned.

Good Hunting... Remember to never shoot what you cannot eat.

Sincerely,

Doctor (there'sgoldinthemtharhills) Seagull

P.S. Here's suggestion 4. Come visit The Doctor at Room 11 of the "The Seabreez Motel" and relationships can be explored in depth.

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle" ~N.O.W. Slogan from 1974~

What Do You Do With A Filthy Mouth??

2005-12-28T22:38:00.000-08:00

Many viewers wonder how to deal with this little problem.

Dear Dr. Seagull:

We have a new puppy. We love her very much, she's cuter than a bug's ear, but she has a bad habit of eating turds. As you can imagine, her breath is foul enough to make a freight train take a dirt road.

We clean up after her and our other pets, but she always seems to find something disgusting to eat, (droppings from stray cats or wild creatures I think).

Should we feed her more puppy chow or change her food? Give her some Tic-Tacs? Why would a dog eat a turd?

Thanks!

Signed,

Alpine Nophir

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Alpine,

Dogs are fundamentally filthy creatures. In filth, they rank very close to pigs. Dog really shouldn't be allowed indoors and in a wise and better world, people wouldn't own dogs without large amounts of open territory to cage and house them. But this is not a perfect world and the only thing keeping most dogs from the chop is the fact that they have great personalities. They're sorta like that really plain-lookin' girl you invited to the party anyway because she was just so much fun to be around.

As to solutions to your problem, The Doctor has two suggestions.

1. Put a shock collar on your dear pooch and give her a healthy dose of Dr. Volt's best invention every time she chows down on something disgusting. It might be that you will have to "salt" the ground with disgusting things in order to get this idea up and running, but nothing is perfect. Hopefully, this will create a decent aversion therapy to her behavior and perhaps mellow-out her eating habits. If it doesn't, you'll at least get the thrill of torturing your poor pooch and that will be a compensation.

2. Get rid of the dog and get a cat. Much cleaner animal and it doesn't require quite as much outdoors.

As with any and all advice given by The Doctor, your results may vary.

Sincerely,

Doctor (haveyoueverwonderedhowadogcanstandtobringyoutheslippers?) Seagull

Join The Doctor and all his friends at www.radioparadise.com

The Doctor Apologizes For His Absence

2005-12-28T02:38:00.000-08:00

The Doctor has just come up from the mess which are the days surrounding Christmas and is happy to report that the last 72 hour hold put upon The Doctor has expired so that he once again can answer your most perspicacious and tentatively sad letters.

Happy 2006 People... Enjoy the good life while you can!

Sincerely,

Doctor (althoughmanyhavebeggedmetoeyewillnotretire) Seagull

Earth: Habitat for Humanity

2005-12-04T07:02:00.000-08:00

Recently The Doctor was asked a most piercing question about the human race...

Dear Doctor Seagull,

Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

Signed,

Confused in Cornwall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Confused,

Man is the most perverse creature known to the cosmos. This is known to The Doctor because of his discussions with patients who have been forced to live without their tin-foil hats. Superior races of aliens have thrown up their collective hands and declared Earth (Terra) to be an insane asylum and quarantined us from the rest of sentient space. Because of this perversity, mankind does many unexplainable things. We park in driveways when we shouldn't and we drive in parkways when it is absurd just to prove that we can.

The Doctor suggests that get the people in Washington D.C. to start a study and determine what causes this crippling perversity... preferably with The Doctor in charge and saddled with a large salary.

Sincerely,

Doctor (sowhatsinitforme) Seagull

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
~~George Carlin~~

From The Shallow End of The Carpool

2005-11-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

Recently The Doctor was queried as to the nature of loopholes in our laws...

Dear Doctor,
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

Sincerely,

Jealously Waiting In Line

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Jealously,

What a perspicacious and intelligent question! Yes indeed a hearse can use the car pool lane counting the dead person as a passenger. After all there is nothing in the law which states that the passenger must needs be alive in order to qualify. This is a wonderful loophole which The Doctor was able to use when his dear sainted grand-aunt died while being driven to the hospital. In fact, The Doctor liked the time he saved so much, he postponed the funeral for two weeks until he ran out of ice.

Sincerely,

Doctor (whatsthateyesmell?) Seagull

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
~~Woody Allen~~

The Queen Of Heaven... Again

2005-11-05T09:58:00.000-08:00

Recently a gentle reader sent a letter about his new-found religion...

Dear Doctor,

Recently I have been seeing Virgin Mary following me all over the town and when I'm in church, she sits next to me
and whispers in my ear! What is happening? Should I take my clothes off just like she says?

Signed,

Confused and Confessed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Confused,

Now while The Doctor, as a man of science, doesn't feel qualified to pontificate on the nature of reality and phenomena of visions of the faithful per se, The Doctor needs to point out that most "visions" can be explained primarily to the ingestion of certain substances mostly available in nature.

Did you perhaps eat any moldy rye bread recently? Have you been snorting dried Broccoli powder again? Did you go to one of those "pick-up" bars and let a strange woman buy you a drink?

If not, then perhaps these visions need to be investigated thoroughly by the minions of the Church's Department of Miracle Investigation. Please submit a sample of your blood for chemical analysis immediately and then bend over and cough. The examination won't hurt a bit.

With any luck we will be able to canonize you within 100 years of your death and then your relatives can unearth your bones and make a fortune letting gullible people kiss them.

As with any answer The Doctor gives... Your results may vary.

Sincerely,

Doctor (Iseeittoo) Seagull

Ask A Silly Question...

2005-10-31T13:58:00.000-08:00

Once in a while, one of the Gentle Readers likes to throw a trick question at The Doctor...

Doctor, if a tree falls on a beaver in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does he make a sound?

Signed,

Busy Body

~~~~~~~

Dear Busy,

Of course, in a metaphysical sense there is a difference between "sound" and "noise".

"Noise" is the vibrations made by the interaction of forces and/or physical objects upon one another which must be stated by inference to occur whether or not there is any active observer available.

"Sound" is the actual observance of said "noise" and therefore it must be said that without an active observer, then there is no sound heard as the poor beaver cries out in dismay when the tree which he was probably gnawing on falls upon him in a classic case of being hoist upon one's own petard.

That is unless you are the tree and you are enjoying your revenge as you fall and then the sound of a dying beaver is very sweet.

Sincerely,

Doctor (payback'sabitch) Seagull

Visit Radio Paradise for excellent streaming music and "Ask Doctor Seagull: The Doctor Is In"

Seeing Truth In Strangeness

2005-10-30T01:31:00.000-08:00

Even The Doctor Cannot Succeed Every Time...

Dear Doctor, Have you ever wondered why it is that a fly can't bird, but a bird CAN fly?

Signed,

Musing In Missoula

Dear Musing,

No. The Doctor has wondered no such thing. He HAS, however, wondered why you came off your medication just when things were going so well for you.

Please to consider the evolutionary nature of the bird as a member of one of the higher phyla of animals and the ordinary housefly (musca domestica) which operates at such an elementally low level of existence that it needs over 400 eyes to see with. Obviously the bird will be able to effect a much larger range of behaviors than a lowly fly. Ergo, the bird will be able to fly but the fly will not be able to bird. After all, what do you expect from a creature which throws up on its food and needs six legs to walk?

On a more personal level, please be assured that unless he sees more progress in your therapy The Doctor will have to have you committed.

Sincerely,

Doctor (threepillsadaywilldoyouright) Seagull

In order to pose your own questions to The Doctor, go to www.radioparadise.com and consult the "Ask Dr. Seagull" forum.

Is My Brother My Keeper?

2005-10-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

Family is always a source of problems for people, but The Doctor has advice...

Dear Doctor Seagull,

I love my brothers but recently I got in an argument with one of them about the way he treats me in public. He seems to feel that he has the right to tell me to behave in public and he acts as if going out in public is embarrassing to him. What truly bothers me is that he's known for his outrageous behavior and I really feel that: 1) I'm not doing anything more than being my normal ebulient self. and 2) He really has no firm ground to stand upon (the pot calling the kettle black). He's been a really good brother in other regards but until he apologizes to me about how he's behavied towards me, I have no interest in speaking to him. Is this too harsh?

Signed,

Brotherless

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Brotherless,

As the street vernacular goes: "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke".

Two things The Doctor would like to say to you:

1) Blood is thicker than water and eventually you will have to realize that arguments of this sort are not suitable grounds for ending a relationship with a close relative. Sure you feel hurt and angry now, but consider if he or you goes to their respective deaths without speaking again, how would you feel? Take this into account and perhaps a card or a letter might be in order.

2) Standing up for yourself is never a wrong thing to do. You seem to be feeling some sort of guilt over actually being good to yourself. Stop this at once! The Doctor says that if you can get beyond the anger and arrive at a place of implacable certainty of your worth as a person, that would be a good place to be. Perhaps you shouldn't go out in public with your brother for awhile but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't buy him a gift for Christmas or share a Thanksgiving meal with him. Just make sure that when you do, he understands that any and all abuses will be met not with acquiesance and silence, but with firm, assured rebuffs. Live a good life, we all deserve that.

Sincerely,

Doctor (passtheturkeylegyoujerk) Seagull

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."
~~George Bernard Shaw~~

"Hole-S-Stick" Healing??

2005-10-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

Once again The Doctor helps a reader to avoid a terrible fate!

Dear Doctor Seagull,

I got acupunctured for the first time the other day; first she stuck my hands in order to open the energy in my spine... . ...Then she stuck the top of my head, then my neck & my shoulders. As I sat there I began to think --- "what ifs". What if she was using me for some voodoo experiment? What if the ancient Reiki healer she sent in was stealing my vital life energy? What if those gentle touches were to relax me into a deep hypnotic state so that I would be unable to recollect the terrible things done to me? What if my muscles were to become so relaxed that I could not move? What if?

They assured me that their only intentions were to heal me on a physical, emotional, mental & spiritual level.

Holy shit... do I really need all of this healing? I went in with a headache & they are talking about my emotions, my psyche, my spirit... What else?

They diagnosed me with paranoia! paranoia? What if they were right? What if they were wrong?

What if it's just a pain in the neck?

Signed,

Perry Noid

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Perry,

You have raised many valid questions which The Doctor would side-step by stating categorically that the best type of healing is that which makes the client tragically dependent upon the doctor so that he/she needs to come back over and over for drugs and abject hopeful need. The Doctor doesn't approve of this accupuncture and Reiki energy work and things which MAY ACTUALLY HEAL YOU! It is important that you cease being healed immediately and run, don't walk, to your nearest allopathic medical office where you can read out-of-date Newsweek Magazines while you wait hours to be ignored by an overworked "Doctor" who will give you a prescription for addicting painkillers and send you home to languish fitfully in front of a Television for weeks.

Quickly! There is no time to lose! If you get healed, you might actually have to go out and have a happy life! Then you will have to learn to love other humans and smile and laugh and give and work and... you see the terrible slippery slope you stand upon?

Any of those wholistic approaches which actually DO help the patient are dangerous for all of us healers in general and The Doctor in particular. Desist now and come in for a 'script.

Sincerely,

Doctor (there'sasuckerborneveryminute) Seagull

"Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less in human beings of whom they know nothing."
~~Voltaire~~

Parents Need To Be Carefully Trained

2005-10-23T08:10:00.000-07:00

An earnest adolescent sent this appeal for assistence to The Doctor...

Dear Doctor Seagull,

I have recently realized I am feeling weary when I am with my parents. I have found that I am exercising extreme self-restraint in not showing my feelings. I don't let them scratch the surface of what I am actually feeling. I realize that this is probably not very good for me, and it is what makes time with my family so tense. Why am I doing this? Why do I think that showing my feelings would hurt my family? What can I do to change it? Should I change it? I get confused when I try to love them and find I am angry instead.

Signed,

Too Tense In Tennessee

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Too Tense,

As a person makes the difficult yet amazingly rapid change from child to adult it is usually those who are most closely attached to this person who do not realize the immense changes which are occurring and this can lead to horribly unsatisfying and oppressive misunderstanding between parents and child. The parents cannot keep up with the mutable psyche of the child who can age, change, mature and re-arrange him/herself overnight. This can lead to dysfunctional relationships. Fortunately it is not permanent. Within a few years, the parents will be able to cope.

The best cure for this situation is two-fold:

First ~ the child should discover as many outlets or activities which allows him/her to avoid contact with parents during these difficult times. Clubs, trips, band, theatre, distant studies et cetera... these are all good activities.

Second ~ the child needs to understand that he/she is experiencing a need to defend him/her self in the eyes of the parents and this is the cause of much of the pain. The child thinks that it is important to "make" the parents recognize the new person he/she is becoming and to stop responding to the child as if he/she were the person he/she was yesterday or even last night. This is impossible.

The parent is unable to respond this quickly. So the child needs to allow his/her parents to be what they are, realizing that the parent will not be dealing with who the child is, but with who the child was. The child needs to allow the relationship to be unequal while realizing that this is because of a temporary lack of imagination and not a judgment placed upon the child. By allowing his/her parents to be wrong in their dealings with the child and realize that it has no bearings on who the child is or will become, the child is able to break the sac of the womb of childhood and birth him/herself into adulthood.

~This advice comes with the cautionary proviso that the child must never allow the parents to know that he/she has "figured it out" and just smile and love them. The poor benighted parents cannot help being the starry-eyed mooncalves who, when they look upon the child, see the toddler still in his/her nappies. Forgive them, love them, get away from them.~

(Also, you might try slipping large quantities of tranquilizers in your parent's coffee. This will make them easier to manipulate on those days when the communications are at their most dysfunctional.)

Sincerely,

Doctor (ohgoddaddon'tembarrassmeinpublicagain) Seagull

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
~~Herbert Henry Asquith~~

Sex Rears It's (Ugly?) Head

2005-10-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

Recently, a reader asked The Doctor about sex and the words we use to describe the act...

Dear Dr. Seagull,

You know what really irks me?? When people use a common word from the English language as a nickname for male/female genitalia! Or the act of sex, even.

Examples....taco....clam...box...rug...pussy...beaver...(notice they're mostly women's parts???) ....weiner, Johnson (poor people with THAT surname!)...getting trim... etc. etc.

If they want to make up specific nicknames that aren't functional words (schlong, twat etc...) fine.

But it just seems so "high school" to be in a conversation where someone has to use one of the above-mentioned functional words, only to get a chorus of Beavis & Butthead "huh-huh...uhhh...huh-huh huh's" back at them. In fact, it's downright lame. Like they're too chicken to use the REAL words.

Guess I'm more of a "call a vagina a vagina, a penis a penis, and having sex having sex....or f*ing (depending on whether there was soft music/candlelight...or just wild, hot monkeysex at noon)" kinda girl.

Who even made UP all those replacement words, anyway?

Signed,

Perturbed In Peoria

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Perturbed,

{silly mode on}The Doctor concurs with your proposition about the naming of genitalia. As The Doctor was saying to his friend Woody, the whole of human understanding can be trim-med down to the naming of our genitalia. Doing so in a non-juvenile manner separates those bush league wangers from the humps of adult life. The Doctor wishes that those who cannot be adult would just clam up and stop being such tools of childishness.

As Mr. Johnson said to The Doctor, "The beaver doesn't dicker with the shaft of the pole, he remembers to chew the wood head on!"

The Doctor thinks these are good ideas to live by. The Doctor doesn't monkey around, he won't let Dick find him pegging out from lack of jazz. He will snatch victory from the box of misunderstandings and jump on to glory. {silly mode off}
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Now that we've gotten that out of our system, The Doctor can say that the very act of sex is very embarrassing to people. To actually use the correct words, (e.g. penis, vagina, etc.) makes most people blush so they resort to euphemisms and slang terminology in order to reduce the sex act to a joke which makes a giggle possible. This giggle makes the uncomfortable embarrassment melt away in humor.

There is also the fear factor. Most men and women are scared of sexuality to the point that in order to deal with sex, they reduce sex to terms of a derogatory nature and de-humanize the very act which should be loving. It is sad, but it is real and understanding and forgiveness are necessary.

In the meanwhile, when we remember to say that "the penis, when tumescent, is an erection and when in this state is designed to enter the moist and receptive vagina in order to complete the act of coitus", we find that although this is the correct way to speak of the sex act, it is as dry as sawdust.

Basically, it is much more human to say that a hard cock likes to enter the cunt and fuck. Good anglo-saxon terms which can seem crude and rude. The Doctor asks you, however, to consider that it is the very sexual shyness and embarrassment which cause the use of slang which we need to rise above in the first place. And so The Doctor sees that we seem to have come around to the beginning once again.

We just need to allow ourselves to enjoy sex and stop being scared of it.

Sincerely,

Doctor (weseemtoberunningoutoffigleaveshere) Seagull

To post your questions to The Doctor, go to www.radioparadise.com and consult the "Ask Doctor Seagull" forum.

Popular Music Can Be Dangerous

2005-10-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

Recently a reader confessed to a deadly affliction...

Dear Doctor Doctor, Gimme The News,

I've been everywhere, man. I've just got to find out what condition my condition is in. It's a classic contradiction, the unavoidable affliction. I'm walking the floor over you. I can't get you out of my head. I'm so lonesome I could cry. Bill Bailey won't you please come home?

Do ya think I'm sexy? What do I have to do? Should I stay or should I go? Tommy can you hear me? Is there anybody out there? How can you mend a broken heart? I only want to be with you. Blue eyes crying in the rain.

Everyone's in love with you, come rain or come shine. What was it you wanted, all in the name of love. You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. Can't buy me love. Please help me I'm fallin'. Tangled up in blue. It doesn't matter anymore. Heartbreak Hotel. I'm Whiskey Bent and Hell Bound. Hear me Lord. Give me Love (give me peace on Earth).

Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours,

Peggy Sue

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Peggy,

The Doctor is afraid that he has bad news for you. You are suffering from a rare and painful condition called "Napsteritis" wherein the sufferer experiences an overload of pop music and loses the ability to discern the difference between "Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain" and "Behind Blue Eyes".

The Doctor feels your pain, dear. However, there is a cure.

First, stop listening to any music for 72 hours. The Doctor know that this will be a hardship and He recommends that you seek professional guidance during your "detox". A few valium might be a good idea too.

Then, listen to nothing but Wayne Newton songs for a whole week! This will set you right. By the end of the week, all your musical taste will be totally French-Fried (sorry, Freedom-Fried) and like a tabula rasa, you will be ready to be refreshed by sticking to a steady diet of nothing but stock reports and NPR talk shows. This is The Doctor's prescription for happiness.

Then, if at some future time, you feel like exploring new lifestyles, come down to the "Voodoo Lounge and Opium Den" where The Doctor holds his afternoon "clinics" (between 4 and 6) and join Him in a round of libation and lounge music. Lounge music a mystical healing experience of American culture not known to most modern physicians.

As with any and all suggestions made by The Doctor, your results may vary.

Sincerely,

Doctor (insearchofthelostchord) Seagull

"Most people wouldn't know good music if it came up and bit them in the ass!"
~~Frank Zappa~~

What Ever Became Of Wayne Gretzky?

2005-10-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

As The New-And-Improved Hockey Season comes to the fore, The Doctor received a letter from a worried reader...

Dear Doctor Seagull,

I am in fear of changes and the problems they might bring. My quandary is two-fold: First, it occurs to me that restricting the movement of the goalie, coupled with the relaxed offsides and passing rules, may indeed have the desired effect of producing more goals, but will likely have the undesired and unintended effect of increasing goalie injuries. I am certain that this was not the "goal", so to speak, of these rules changes. So I am bothered, once again, by the human tendency to mess around with stuff we have no business messing around with, and not anticipating potential deleterious outcomes. This was how we ended up with rabbit overpopulation in Australia and with Justin Timberlake.

But second, and more importantly, while I love to hear the AWOOOONK of the goal horn as much as the next fellah, I am bothered by our tendency, as Americans, to consistently go for instant gratification. More. Better. Now. I mean, for heaven's sake. How many goals must one have to be happy watching a game that already has three halves and features fisticuffs carried out whilst balancing on a knife edge on a hard, slippery surface? That's not enough?

With respect and affection,

Pass The Puck On The Left-hand Side

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Pass,

The Doctor is certain that any changes in rules, laws, circumstances or whatever will reveal that whenever planning events in this world of woes the law of unforseen circumstances will apply most heartily. This includes the new changes to the rules in Professional Hockey as exampled in the NHL. Perhaps it will lead to more injuries to the goalies, perhaps it will lead to horse-traders in Inner Mongolia developing razor burn on their posteriors or perhaps krill-net fishermen in Southern Patagonia will develop nodes upon their vocal cords; we cannot be certain. The ways of the world are many and splendid (as to Justin Timberlake it is fortunate that his 15 minutes are up).

On the subject of instant gratification we only have ourselves to blame. We started upon this downward climb, this slippery slope of despair, the day that pre-sliced bread was invented. The rest, unfortunately, was inevitable. As the words of the famous (or near-famous) song say, "Older Whiskey, Younger Women, and More Money" are the answer to happiness and then you start to believe that a game is better just because the score is higher. In this instance it is the owners of the sports franchises involved in the NHL wanting more people to watch their sport on TV who have made the changes. Their fears (and they are substantial fears) are that the average Joe Sixpack will not want to invest time in a sport where most of the drama involves the minutia of finesse in handling a small chunk of rubber over ice by overly padded madmen at high speeds. They may be right.

The Doctor knows that the main reason to watch Ice Hockey is the violence. The Doctor knows that the visceral thrill of watching two grown men engaging in un-regulated fisticuffs on skates can be fascinating. This leads The Doctor to a suggestion.

Perhaps a very long ice rink with a tournament-style partition can be erected and two men with lances can joust with each other upon the ice, winner to live, loser to die. The Doctor is certain that the viewership of this sport will be enormous and the profits similarly-sized. Who knows, perhaps after the jousting, we can bring back dueling with swords and maces. The possibilities are endless and The Doctor wants the first franchise so that he can add to his retirement fund.

Sincerely,

Doctor (bloodsportsarethebestsports) Seagull

"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."
~~H. L. Mencken~~

What To Do In Order To Survive Coming Pandemic

2005-10-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

Many gentle readers have expressed worries about the Avian Flu to The Doctor

Good Evening Doctor,

Sorry to bother you but I am worried. The British media have got in to an almighty, ...er how shall I put this? Well, let's just say they're in a 'flap', about the arrival of Asian Bird Flu in Europe. The issue seems to be whether the current flu virus will mutate, causing a flu pandemic that will kill millions of humans, as apparently it did in 1918. Should I panic now, later, or should I have panicked yesterday?

Thank you in advance for your advice.

Signed,

Freaking And Flyin'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Freaking,

As a confirmed "Moonbat" conspiracy freak of the first water, The Doctor is convinced that this winter the forces of evil will release a weaponized version of the current Avian Flu Virus (officially know as H5N1 to us "medical" types) upon the world in an effort to de-stabilize the democratic governments of the world and begin the deliberate slide towards the "New World Order" so well vaunted by the Bush Family and it's supporters. So, yes, The Doctor recommends that you worry.

As to what you can do about the panic, here are a few recommendations from The Doctor.

1. Buy a two-week supply of canned goods in case the stores close up on us and we're not able to loot them.

2. Buy lots of alcohol to sterilize our hands and insides.

3. Buy medical masks to protect ourselves from airborne vapor droplets which may be carrying influenza virus in them. The masks also have the added advantage of allowing us to rob banks with less chance of being identified by the police.

4. Stop shaking people's hands to slow down the exchange of dangerous disease. This will also allow us to pretend to a social superiority to the unclean Hoi Polloi.

5. Make sure that our tin hats have at least 5 layers so that we are protected from those dangerous rays showered down upon us by the reptilian aliens.

6. Dig large tunnels and stock them with food, water, weapons, and back issues of National Geographic for extended periods of hiding. Also make sure that for those long periods of real boredom that you have recreational games and drugs.

Do these and you can be certain that if the influenza doesn't get you, your friends and neighbors will turn you in to the local mental health authorities after the pandemic has dissipated.

Sincerely,

Doctor (don'tsneezeonme) Seagull

"When in danger, or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!"
~Lewis Carroll~

The Course Of Love, Like The River Meander, Sometimes Goes Astray

2005-10-16T12:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes The Doctor has to just use common sense

Dear Doctor,

A friend of mine met his girlfriend online. They are both teenagers, and living with their parents - Liam in Dorset, and Rachael in Canada. (Not their real names) They have been 'together' for several months now...and were planning to meet up in the summer in Canada. I was introduced to them by MY girlfriend and recently she told Liam that Rachael just told her dad about him... Unfortunately, the dad doesn't like the idea of "e-friends" and is threatening to pull the plug on the internet connection. Of course Liam is now desperately worried. What can he do to prove that he is a real, trustable, and worthy person to his girlfriend's dad?

Signed, Running Out Of Dry Places On My Shoulder

P.S. how do i console him if it all goes down the plughole?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Running,

Short of buying a plane ticket and flying to Canada in order to meet with Rachel's father and assuage his fears that his daughter is "chatting" with an axe-killer or pedophile, your friend should try the simple expedient of writing a well-worded letter to Rachel's father introducing himself. In this letter he should stress his age, his family background and perhaps include a picture of himself with his parents or a parent. Most likely Rachel's father is working under the mistaken impression that the internet is a huge den of pedophiles and rapists looking to lure unsuspecting teenage girls into motel rooms and bordellos. (It is not. However, The Doctor will deal with this subject some other time) It is best that Liam change her father's mistaken impressions and do so in a non-technological setting (in other words, with pen and paper) in order to lay the poor man's fears to rest.

As to consoling Liam if the relationship goes "South", try beer... It has worked for countless young men for ages.

As with any and all suggestions from The Doctor, your results may vary.

Sincerely,

Doctor (honeygetmemyshotgun) Seagull

"It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something."
~~Franklin D. Roosevelt~~

To ask your own questions of Doctor Seagull, go to www.radioparadise.com and consult the "Ask Doctor Seagull" forum.

Lifestyle Advice From The Doctor

2005-10-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

A recent letter from a devoted reader has come into the mailbag...

Dear Dr. Seagull,

What is gout? I always hear about people having gout, but never knew what it was. It sounds terrible. Just the word "gout" is very sinister. Can you help unravel this mystery for me?

signed,

Without a gout,

~~

Dear Without,

Gout, in simple terms is a condition which occurs in people who cannot get rid of the excess uric acid (that yellow in your whiz) fast enough so that the uric acid crystallizes in the joints and under the skin and causes lesions, swelling and ulcerations of the skin. It is a nasty (and painful) condition which can also be triggered by a surfeit of alcoholic beverages damaging the liver so that the liver produces large amounts of uric acid and causes the kidneys to shut down or malfunction. People who eat too much meat can also get gout.

Generally it is a pain in the knee or ankle which can cripple people. There are cures for gout which entail chelation drugs which force the uric crystals back into solution and also stimulate the kidneys into making you whiz more but the best cure for gout is not to get it in the first place. This can be achieved by making sure that if you are going to do any drinking, that you DO NOT eat meat. Conversely, if you eat meat, don't drink. However, The Doctor knows that booze gets you through the times of no meat better than meat gets you through the times of no booze so He wouldn't dare to suggest that you quit drinking.

Try what the wino's do, drink to excess and don't eat. That's the ticket. The Doctor doesn't know of any winos with gout.

Sincerely,

Doctor (safelyinthegutterandpainfree) Seagull

As always, The Doctor admonishes you to realize that your individual results may vary.

(for letters to The Doctor, please go to www.radioparadise.com and consult the forum "Ask Doctor Seagull")

How To Handle Your Man (stop sniggering you!)

2005-10-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

And then a letter came to posit the distaff side of the question...

Dear Dr. Seagull,

In an effort to put this particular debate to bed, as it were - can you give us any insight as to why men are incapable of multi-tasking. Now I'm not saying that men can't walk and chew gum, because I've actually seen a few do it and quite well, I might add. I only ask because we women are so adept in this department and men are just so hopelessly bad.

Women can be on the phone while cooking dinner while thinking about what to wear to a particular event next month while breaking up a cat fight in the garden while making out the shopping list while mending a broken pan handle and still manage to hear to every word you have to say and are able to recite it back to you verbatim an hour from now, complete with name, rank and serial number.

On the other hand there doesn't seem to be a man alive who given more than two things to do at once doesn't fold like a cheap lawn chair under the pressure. Can you possibly explain this vast difference between the sexes?

Yours in anticipation,

Jess Askin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Miss Jess,

The Doctor is sorry to agree with you on the problem inherent in the average male. Men actually seem to have a problem doing more than one thing at a time. In some extreme cases such as President George W. Bush's, his wife is able to practice birth control by giving him a stick of gum before bed. Most men, however, are not as completely bereft. The problem seems to pandemic and universal. Be the man a stock-broker from Manhattan or a clam-digger from Tierra del Fuego.

This characteristic of the male of the species is because, I believe, the development of the human animal in prehistoric times separated the chores of survival between the sexes. Women, being generally weaker and less able to take down a Woolly Mammoth with a spear, were delegated to the task of "gathering" which is sort of like shopping. The women went out with baskets looking for the goodies to be had in the "mall" of the wild and had to have a generally wide-ranging ability to see all and take in the whole environment. The men, being generally larger, were given spears and sent out to kill said Woolly Mammoth to feed their wimmenphokes. This task requires not only strength but two other characteristics which the pre-historic man (and let us face the fact that modern man is never too far from the cave at any time anyway) needed in order to partake of the hunt. First, an ability to focus his attention into the narrowest of objectives and second, the ability to forget just how stupid it is to take on a two-ton Bison with nothing but a sharp stick. So for survival purposes you bred your men to be strong, stupid and narrow minded. Does this remind you of anyone you know?

There is hope, however. There are simple training lessons available in some of the more illuminating self-help books which can help you to train your man. Use them wisely and well and The Doctor is sure you'll soon have a husband who can remember to pick up the milk on the way home or even (with great patience and luck) be able to stand a three-hour shopping trip downtown without tranquilizer darts. As ever, The Doctor must warn you that your results may vary.

Caution: One more note to you about training your potential mate. Some subjects can seem to be very easy to train and you can be very encouraged by early victories to the point of overlooking a potentially dangerous problem. Some subjects can be TOO easy to train due to a quirk in their base of attraction. This can lead to you training a male who will not respond in areas which one would hope the male to be naturally aggressive. Many a potential woman trainer has successfully trained such a man only to have him run off with the first available male "trainer".

Don't fall for this potential mistake. Test any male who is TOO trainable. First ask yourself, does he seem to LIKE shopping?? Does he cuddle on the couch TOO easily?? Is he willing to discuss the importance of accessorizing colors and fall wardrobes?? If he is, then a test may be necessary to eliminate unsuitable candidates.

Try this: Take your potential husband to a Backstreet Boys concert. If he gets up and dances before you do, be careful. If he starts to waive his arms to the slow songs or claps hands in rhythm, then discard him at the nearest shopping mall where he can roam free and find those of his own kind with whom he can find congress. If he does none of these things and seems to be embarrassed to enjoy any of the songs, then relax, you merely have a "high-functioning" mate and will enjoy many years of potential bliss.

Sincerely,

Doctor (whatdidyousaydear?) Seagull

Questions to The Doctor can be posited in the "Ask Doctor Seagull" forum at: www.radioparadise.com

How To Find A Good Woman

2005-10-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

Recently a soul in pain sent this missive to The Doctor:

Dear Dr. Seagull,

Why does there seem to be a shortage of cute sex goddesses, who love football, drinking beer, grilling out, auto racing, massages, burping contests, walks on the beach, making passionate love, furry handcuffs, fishing, shopping, diving in exotic places, f*cking like wild animals, live music, role playing, world travel, belly button lint, snuggling on rainy days, having a couple of beautiful children and living happily ever after?

Signed, Just Wondering in Miami

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Just Wondering,

Men and Women are different. I'm sure you noticed that in Kindergarten when the first one lured you into the girl's bathroom for "show and no-tell". This difference also pertains to likes and dislikes. Men like different things than women, that's because THEY ARE different.

Science has shown us that the DNA of a Male Chimpanzee and a Male Human Being have more points of similarity than the DNA of a Male Human Being and a Female Human Being. They truly are a different species and must be treated as such. The Doctor is personally encouraged by your mention of handcuffs because it means that you probably have the right attitude for dealing with the un-tamed Female Human. Females rarely come in fully-trained mode. There is some training needed in order to make them capable of living comfortably with the average male. Please feel free to buy a copy of my book, "How To Make Her Yours Without Scars" and follow instructions to the letter. The Doctor will also assume that because you didn't misspell too egregiously that you are of average or above-average intelligence so you will probably have a high success rate.

Enjoy.

Note: You can also purchase fully-trained models from overseas (caution: Illegal in USA) and many men have reported that they have had a good result with their purchases. However, prices have gone up considerably in the recent years (Except in Russia where there is a buyers-market currently) so many may prefer to save the expense and train their own.

Sincerely,

Doctor (rope'emandbrand'em) Seagull

The Doctor states that with differing subjects and personages, your results may vary.

When Is Too Much Of A Good Thing Too Much?

2005-10-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

Recently, The Doctor received this letter from a confused science student...

Dear Doctor
I know you normally only answer one question at a time but I thought I would throw this at you:

"There are more things twixt Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophies"
~Shakespeare~

Why? And how can we ever know if this is true? Is there a space for endless speculation, or will we reach a point where we can say "this is it?" If I continue to ask questions will I find an answer? Or will I continue to ask the wrong question?

What is the wrong question? One with no answer? One with too many answers? One with an answer I don't want to hear? Or perhaps that is better? Should we mercilessly expose ourselves to the truth? Or live in a comfortable web of lies? Can we know what reality is? Or can we only live in a mush of illusion, comfortable or not?

Signed,

Can I Stop Thinking Now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Can I,

The Doctor knows that the major fallacy of the Empirical Method Of Science as expounded by Bacon is that there are always more suppositions than there are hypothesis and there are always more hypothesis than there are experiments to answer them and there are always more experiments than there are true answers upon which we can stand and truly say, "Here, this is the truth and no further must I tread."

Too long there have been people who have discriminately said, "Why?" without realizing that the only true answer is, "Because!"

The World isn't actually explainable beyond certain boundaries. You can sometimes find answers to specific questions. But like the theory of the rock thrown at a tree which must travel half the distance to the tree and then half the distance again and again so that according to the theory the rock will never reach the tree because it must first travel half the distance to its objective; theories don't always show the truth of life. In reality the rock does reach the tree. Sometimes it is better to not think so much as to think so much that isn't so.

Sincerely,

Doctor (there'salwayscabletv) Seagull

"A Fool's Paradise Is Better Than None."
~~Doctor Seagull~~

Observations On The Act Of Being A Lemming

2005-10-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

Katrina has stirred the worries and concerns of all. Recently The Doctor received this letter:

Dear Doctor, Two questions:

1. Why do we keep rebuilding houses, cities, roads, etc. in places like unstable hillsides, floodplains, hurricane zones etc. when we know they're going to be destroyed again and again?

2. Why do we keep consuming finite resources at an ever-increasing rate as if we believed they were infinite, even as we are given ever-increasing evidence that said resources are becoming scarcer and scarcer?

Are we incapable of learning?

OK, I guess that's three questions. Do I get a free question on Fridays?

Signed,

Flummoxed in The Flood Zone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Flummoxed,

The Doctor will try to answer all your questions in turn. Please keep in mind, however, that untoward answers will have a habit of creeping in and you will need to return your seat to its full upright position before take-off.

1. As "The Good Book" says in Proverbs 26:11... "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly." (Doesn't that term "Good Book" bother you as it does The Doctor? Why should this collection of jumbled myths, pejorative and "biased" historical reckonings of the Judaic peoples (and don't forget the occasional good advice) be called THE "Good Book" as if no other book is good? The Doctor believes that ALL books are good... it's just that some are gooder than others. As stacked up to the Oxford English Dictionary, for example, The Bible comes a little behind and below. Unfortunately, just like the Bible, The OED has a rather scattered plotline.)

2. Have you ever expected any righteous reasoning from a cloud of locusts? No. Then please accept the painfully un-acceptable and know that "Gaia", that mythical goddess who personifies the living awareness that is the Earth, views the human race as nothing more than a bothersome and pernicious type of locusts. Soon we must fall, die and fertilize the soil for the next season.

3. Incapable of learning? No. But it will be a small portion of the locust cloud who learn to change back into simple grasshoppers and learn to live lightly upon the Earth. The rest, unfortunately, are merely manure on the pasture of life.

Sincerely,

Doctor (don'tforgettomakethatleftturnatalbuquerque) Seagull

Beware of offers for "beachfront property" from Senator Lott

Only One... but first that lightbulb must really want to change!

2005-10-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

Recently The Doctor received this request for help...

Dear Dr Seagull

I am really worried about my friend. She sent me this following note. Can you help her?

Darling, I get aroused by the smell of Spic-n-Span and VoBan . . . Signed, Your Loving Hot Mama

You see my concern... BTW, can we make this one Pro Bono, I'm out of money.

Signed,

Ijus Wannahelp

Dear IJus,

You are right to want to help this poor benighted soul. Anyone who finds erotic stimulation from scents so mundane and caustic has many issues concerning her childhood which need to be addressed. She is truly a lost soul.

However, the Doctor can help only those who truly understand that their affliction is a problem. First The Doctor would suggest that you and all those who know and love this person get together for "An Intervention" where you express to her that she truly has a problem. Without her acknowledging her sickness, she cannot be helped. After all, she seems to derive some sick and twisted pleasure from this practice and therefore probably doesn't view it as a problem at all. Just like the drunk who feels that the alcohol is the savior of his life rather than the source of his problem, she is unreachable at this time.

If, however, you can effect this "Intervention" and she acknowledges her problem, then send her to The Doctor for therapy and The Doctor will provide the best therapeutic practices that He can. Personally The Doctor feels that the most He can do is to shift her erotic stimulus to more acceptable olfactory stimuli... such as garlic and cat food.

As to fees, The Doctor finds that healing is much more important than cash... As long as she is beautiful and sexy (and lacks discernement) things will work out The Doctor is sure... worry not.

Sincerely,

Doctor (tellthedoctorwhereithurts) Seagull

Questions to The Doctor can be posited in the "Ask Doctor Seagull" forum at: www.radioparadise.com

On A Different Note...

2005-10-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

. . . not everyone can be helped by The Doctor immediately.

Dear Dr. Seagull,

With such a vast reservoir of knowledge entombed in your most excellent cranium, I have to ask for your help with a question of the "personal" nature, i.e. not a physical malady. As a 29 year old male, is it bad if I try to pick up women at the old folks home??

Just wondering,

Signed,

Lover of blue hair

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Lover,

Whether it is "bad" to pick up women who are older than Methuselah or your Great-Grandmother and pursue a relationship of a personal nature and co-join your 29 year-old body with the flesh of a geriatric floozy is not the question which needs to be addressed at this juncture in time.

First we need to address the fact that you are most definitely mal-adjusted in a most peculiar and interesting way. The Doctor would like to take your case on as an exercise in healing your almost unique psyche. The Doctor will even give you a discount. However, discount or no, the cost will be rather exorbitant and stopping therapy in the middle will not be conducive to your continuing health. So, before our sessions The Doctor will need to have a full accounting of your net worth in The Doctor's hands to assure that you are wealthy enough to pursue therapy.

Then we can address your aberrant desires with full faith in the healing process.

Sincerely, Doctor (moneyupfront) Seagull

What Do You Mean "We" Paleface?

2005-10-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

Once more your faithful Doctor Seagull has been asked to lend his wisdom to a problem concerning the difficulties of making one's way through these confusing modern times.

Hey There Doc,

I'll soon be going home to a reunion and I was wondering, what is your take on these tan-in-a-tube products? Love the sun but would like to make the next reunion. (Gotta look good. They've seen too many re-touched photos)

Signed,

Whiteface

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Whiteface,

Tanning products are fine if you find it necessary to alter your appearance for vanity's sake. After all, people have be adorning their bodies for centuries to make themselves feel better about themselves. Tanning products are probably less dangerous or ridiculous than eyebrow piercing. Ironically about 200 years ago, people used to use rice flour and ointments to look whiter because that was considered more attractive. Now we like to see people with hydes which have been dessicated, burnt, irradiated and damaged by the sun and consider themselves to have enhanced their attractiveness. The Doctor says that if ointments which fake a darker shade are your wont, it's probably better than burning your skin and risking melanoma. The Doctor, however, prefers a 9-day wino beard and the white skin which comes from living in dark cocktail lounges with immoral women but hey, to each his own.

Sincerely,

Doctor (handmeanotherbottledarlin') Seagull

Questions to The Doctor can be posited in the "Ask Doctor Seagull" forum at: www.radioparadise.com

In The Quest For Knowledge, Ask The Doctor

2005-10-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

One day a faithful reader asked The Doctor this question...

Dear Doctor Seagull,

A friend of mine just emailed me to ask if I could check out a George Michael site because he was having trouble bringing up the videos. He's single and in his early 40s. He dates but it never gets serious and he seems to have an interest in disco music. I've known him forever. Is he gay? (not that there's anything wrong with that) or do men actually like G.M music and videos?

Signed, worried in Wisconsin,

~~~~~~~~~

Dear Worried,

The Doctor would suggest a simple test. Invite your friend over and put "The Way We Were" on the VCR or DVD player and see his reaction. If he complains about the boring movie, he's straight. If he watches but doesn't have any outward reaction, he's probably Bi-sexual. If, however, he watches the whole movie and cries at the end, stand up and buy him some patchouli. He's pure poofter.

Sincerely,

Doctor (who me?) Seagull

(There are few things which The Doctor likes better than helping to solve problems)

Graphite Might Be Better

2005-09-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

So we all know the story about the difference between the Russian Space Program and the United States' Space Program... Once into space, it was discovered that most pens don't write in space, they need the force of gravity to operate. So NASA started a project, hired outside contractors and technicians to ponder the problem and 'a few hundred millions of dollars later' developed a pen which can write upside down, on a wall, or in zero gravity. Thus making it possible to use a pen in space...

The Russians used pencils.

Today's high-flying executive and wealthy 'with it' guy/gall has a fancy town-house and his/her country estates, vacation homes, time-shares or whatever. (S)He has toys like electronic gadgets to distract him/her from the pain of just being. He/she has the expensive and very comfortable car which is so much fun to drive. He/she has the life which is so very fun to live.

Today's 'slacker' bohemian has a cracker-box rental property which may or may not be well-painted. This person has few toys and spends a lot of time just sitting in place and enjoying the act of being. This person may not even have a car at all. This person has a life which is very fun to live.

Sometimes we wonder why we have to run so fast to stay exactly where we are now.

A man has to believe in something, The Doctor believes he will have another drink.

Be Responsible, It's Easier

2005-09-26T13:02:00.000-07:00

One of the many things that we see in our society today is a plethora of lawsuits wherein those who have been hurt or inconvenienced in any way by mistakes, accidents or the classic force majeure (Act Of God) which send our lives in a direction for which we aren't ready or by which we lose money, try to find someone else to blame for the problem so they can either recoup their losses or "hit the lawsuit lottery" and make a fortune in punitive damages. These lawsuits have come to clog our courts and forced businesses and individuals to re-think their actions. They have lead to people being unable to live like healthy and loving humans lest they end up being sued for everything they own. This has caused an upsurge of complaints and calls for "tort reform". People are stating that if the ability to sue the hell out of other people has been removed from the table, then companies could be more able to operate in simple money-making manners and humans could go through their lives without fearing to help a fallen human as good Samaritans lest they be sued for the help they provide.

This is a dangerous road. The Doctor says "NAY" we must not do this. The ability to sue people and companies which have harmed us is part of the important principle of taking responsibility for our actions. However, this upsurge overkill of suits is part of the a whole toxic worldview which has lead to the very calls for "tort reform" we are experiencing. Our society needs not "tort reform" but "responsibility reform".

People! Take responsibility for the unfolding of your life. You cannot have something happen to you which you did not create. Certainly there are victims and there are victimizers. But the twain have danced a pas de deux which was primarily voluntary. "Punitive Damages" are a myth we need to begin to live beyond. Every single one of us has put ourselves into this world in the place we started and the journey from that place has been walked by us in a direction which we have chosen.

We cannot change our lives until we take responsibility for our lives. Responsibility, but not blame. We must stop blaming others or ourselves for what did not happen or what happened which we wanted to happen. Start from now. Stop looking back. If someone hits your car, then they should pay for the damage. But to then ask for "punitive damages" because you were traumatized by the broken toenail you experienced is wrong.

It is your experience. You should live it. Then you can stop living in the past and begin to live in today. This will then allow you to look forward and start creating good lives for yourself and those you love. Live for now, love for now, forgive the "blame" which locks you into the past.

When you are living in the now, you can then appreciate The Doctor more completely.

Relax Into The Day

2005-09-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

We really have nothing to prove to anyone. We are what we are. "I am what I am and that's all that I am!" These are the words of Popeye the Sailor, greatest zen master to arise from the Western world. There is nothing about us which is real that needs explaining. The only parts of ourselves which need explaining or protecting or justifying are the parts of ourselves which are not real and of which we really need to be disposed.

Let go... be in the moment. You need eat nothing, drink nothing, say nothing in order to be yourself. Maintenance of the body becomes an afterthought. The majority of yourself and the part of you which really counts is both much larger than your physical body and much different.

But what we really come to believe, as we relax and let go of the defensive egos which distract us, is that we are made up of nothing but the energy of love. Not the lustful "Hey Baby!" love, but quiet, accepting, including, and gentle love.

Close your eyes. Breathe. Transcend the limited thinking of our times. Be.

Now please hand your wallet over to The Doctor...

Pay No Attention To That Man Behind The Curtain

2005-09-23T04:39:00.000-07:00

Donning his best fireproof suit, The Doctor dives into His day with a clear mind, a happy countenance, and the strong resolution to state that in that moment of clarity before sleep overtook him last night, He saw clearly how interconnected we all are upon this world. This is the message. We must take full responsibility for ourselves, this the conservatives of the political spectrum will tell you. We must also take full responsibility for helping those who haven't realized this yet to keep their heads above water and grow towards the state of full responsibility. This the liberals will tell you. Both are right. Both are wrong. Beyond the twain there exist a higher understanding which The Doctor will call "The Realm Of The MiddleWorld".

The Doctor is here to expound this realm as the new paradigm of the new world. The true "New World Order" which has nothing to do with the selfishly motivated "neo-con" (gods how The Doctor despises that term, can we not just call the "neo-cons" what they are? ASSHOLES!) agenda which is bringing a new unleashing of Hell upon the MiddleWorld. Yes... children Hell is coming to you. For those who cannot go out for it, Hell will be delivered. These purveyors of Hell whom you call your political leaders can be out-maneuvered, however, if one grows beyond the simplistic idea that we all begin and end with our physical bodies. We interconnect on a level both simple and profound. We are the world, we are the reason for existence and we must forget any other reasons.

Pick up your eyes and look to the skies. Print the sight upon your imagination and then close your eyes and realize that you are The Sun. Glow. Grow. Eat a raw vegetable salad and burp. And then get on with it. The foul leaders who drive the cattle to the slaughter cannot lead you if you will not follow. Take full responsibility for manifesting the heavens (Heaven, singular, is such a limiting term) upon your existence. Spread this heavens-held understanding to your friends and all those who fall into your path. Fight Hell with the Heavens within.

And then somebody send out for a pizza. The Doctor is hungry.

End Of Summer

2005-09-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

Well Gentle Readers,

We end this summer season on a strange note. We have had a devestating storm rip a hole in the nether regions of the USA and another potentially on the way. We have seen that our president is a cypher who is not there and there is no-one awake at the switch (as if those who were aware hadn't already figured that out). We have awoken to the fact that "business as usual" will never be "business as usual" ever again.

The Doctor says, "Awaken to the potential for change within you, for without that potential you will be lost. Buy yourself a copy of Peter Gabriel's first solo album, listen to "Here Comes The Flood" and then go buy lots of batteries, spring water, charcoal, gasoline, canned food and get ready..." Sound advice even if The Doctor says so himself.

As a mentor to The Doctor once said in passing, "Hang onto your ass son, you're going for a ride!"

BTW: Enjoy the sweet melancholy of Autumn... it is The Doctor's favorite time of year.

Talk Like A Pirate, Be Crude And Offensive

2005-09-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

This Be "Talk Like A Pirate Day" and The Doctor wants you all to know that in the spirit o' th' day, you scabby slags should join him in singin' a song...

The Good Ship Venus

We sailed on th' good ship Venus,
By God y' shoulda seen us,
Th' figurehead had a whitened head,
from th' anointing from everyone's penis.

Th' Captain's name was Slugger,
He was a dirty bugger,
He wasn't fit to shovel shit,
On any other lugger.

The First Mate's name was Carter,
By God, he was a farter,
When the wind wouldn't blow and the ship wouldn't go,
We'd get Carter the farter to start her.

The crew they were all whiney,
They'd drunk up all their winey.
From bed to bed, they looked for head,
But settled for some hiney.

One seaman's name was Morgan,
He was a grisly Gorgon.
Three times a day he strummed away,
Upon his sexual organ.

Another's name was Wiggun,
By God he had a big 'un.
We bashed that cock, with a bloody rock,
For cumming in the riggin'.

Another's name was Slater,
He was a masturbator.
He'd pump and pump his massive stump,
And clean the mess up later.

The Captain's wife was Mabel,
Whenever she was able.
She gave the crew their daily screw,
Upon the messroom table.

His mistress was called Charlotte,
Who was born and bred a harlot
Her legs at night were lily-white,
But in the morning they were scarlet.

One day the Captain's daughter,
Was swimming in the water,
When delighted she squeals as longish eels,
Entered her sexual quarter.

The cook's name it was Freeman,
He was a dirty demon,
He served the crew with entrail stew,
And piles o' shit still steamin'.

The Bosun's name was McTavish,
And young girls he did ravish.
'Til he lost his tool's in Istanbul,
'Cuz he was a trifle lavish.

Another one was Cropper,
Oh Christ he had a whopper.
Twice round the deck, once round his neck,
And up his bum for a stopper.

The cabin boy was Kipper,
A dirty little nipper,
He lined his ass with broken glass,
And circumcised the skipper.

From Capetown up to Dover,
Th' Captain 'n' Crew we drover her,
Then we ran aground in Jamaica town,
And all of us jumped over.

The Doctor wishes ye all a large portion o' grog and a han'some wench to boot!

They Say He's Lazy But It Takes All (The Doctor's) Time

2005-05-19T11:31:00.000-07:00

Why does it seem that time is an accordian? This a faithful reader and correspondent asked The Doctor recently. This person was concerned because it seemed that whenever he tried to get something unpleasant done, it seemed to take forever but when he was having fun, then time shot past him with amazing alacrity.

To this The Doctor replies that time is an illusion, it doesn't really exist when stacked against the unending lightness of being. People who meditate a lot get to understand this. Time going by only leaves us in one place and that one place is NOW.

Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum, in the classic story by Lewis Carroll (actually the Rev. Charles L. Dodson), ran faster and faster in circles only to stay in the same place. It is also said that they chanted the mantra for the modern man... "When in danger or in doubt, run in circles - scream and shout!" This is truly a wise metaphor for what seems to be the problem with modern life. Too many people neglect to just stand still in the same place and instead insist on running in circles to effect the same result. This must cease.

Try to do what The Doctor does, take large doses of whatever substance necessary to effect a positive change in mental attitude you need, then imagine yourself to be a pool of water in a mountain stream. The water flows into you, the water flows out. You hold onto none of it and you are filled just as fast as you are emptied. You stay in one place and are placid. You need go nowhere. You might as well be comfortable as you settle into the Lightness of Being.

Enjoy.

What A Difference A Day Makes

2005-05-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that The Buddha was right that the pain of existence lies mainly in the fact that reality oscillates from horrid to wonderful and then back again? One day a person is lying tossed up upon the shores of desolation and despair and then the next he's flying towards the Sun like Icarus. Then it repeats. What boring symmetrical synodistry. Like a never-ending sine wave, our lives go up and down. The Doctor was in pain and hating life just the other day. Today He's feeling the warmth of a loving God and basking in the glow one receives from a hot cup of cocoa and a good book on a comfortable sofa with good music. These things never cease to amaze The Doctor. No matter how wise He may become, He will always find interest in the phenomena of everyday life and the journey which begins with that first breath out of one's mother's womb and only ends when those "21 grams" are lost. Awwwwww, life is sweet.

Do Sinus Headaches Dream Of Electric Sleep?

2005-05-15T05:40:00.000-07:00

Somehow, The Doctor, who has hithertofore been immune to allergies of a serious nature, seems to have developed hay fever this Spring. His problem has driven him from the gentle arms of Morpheus (the sandman) without the commensurately necessary hours of nocturnal mind-rest and installed in the frontal cranial cavities a pain of pitiable intensity which has caused Your Faithful Doctor to bang his head against the nearest verticularly flat surface with much vigor (it feels sooooooo good when one stops!!). In hopes that the codeine and brandy are effective mood-altering and pain lessening agents, The Doctor sits, bemused and numbed within this cocoon of cotton-wool within his noggin, and waits out these sadly ugly Sunday blues...

Devastatingly Wise, Wonderful and White-Haired

2005-05-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

Times were that The Doctor could just wink his outrageously beautiful eyes at any woman in any situation and get whatever he wanted from said lass. The distaff love-slaves were lining up to fall adoringly at The Doctor's feet. Alas, no longer does this occur. As case in point our faithful healer was sitting at his local establishment dedicated to the dispensing of tasty beverages infused with caffeine and frothy milk products yesterday, and when he cast his magnetic gaze at a sweet young thing in the distinct attempt to lure her into his spider-like web of attraction and intrigue, she winked at him and walked away! The Doctor was shocked, The Doctor was amazed, The Doctor's ego was crushed! He had to go home, give himself a double-dose of mood-altering substances (merely for medicinal purposes He assures his gentle readers) and then partake in hours of intensive therapeutic psychoanalysis to deal with the potentially scarring incident. Could it be that your faithful healer is no longer the young blade, dashing bravo and shining knight of old? Is he old? Say nay, never! Say that he is merely "chronologically disadvantaged".

Doctor Seagull's Blogspot

2005-05-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

The Doctor Is IN!!! Once again your correspondent and healer extraordinaire offers his wisdom and love in a world sadly deficient in both. Please accept with kindness the advice and observations upon the strange and wonderful nature of reality which The Doctor offers.