Friday, March 17, 2006


Great Truths Revealed

Great Truths About Growing Old Which The Doctor Will Share...

1) Growing old is mandatory; Growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

"Age and treachery outdoes youth and vigor every time."

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


One Mis-Step And You're Jell-o

The aftermath of war was the subject of the latest question to The Doctor

Dear Doctor Seagull,

Sometimes landmines are a killer. Sometimes just a detour. How do you safely navigate? I'm just curious.


Tiptoeing in Tajikistan


Dear Tiptoe,

Dealing with landmines is one of the terrible facts of our world today. In the aftermath of warfare millions of these devices have been left hiding where they can do serious damage to young children, farmers and their oxen, and visiting dignitaries such as The Doctor who has been worried about having to learn to walk with a prosthetic limb whenever he has been forced to travel in these poor war-ravaged locales. He has, however, discovered a few remedies and safeguards.

When traveling in areas with heavy concentrations of minefields, The Doctor likes to make sure that he hires a dozen or so locals to walk ahead of him on the road or trail He is traversing. Then when a poor local has the misfortune to step upon a hidden landmine, the native can be quickly replaced with his cousin who is also willing to do such work for a surprisingly (To The Doctor's point of view) miniscule salary. The Doctor is not a total unfeeling employer, however. If an employee has a "mishap", The Doctor makes sure to stop any dangerous ex-sanguination and bandage the bleeding stump of the ex-employee. Also, as a warm humanitarian gesture, he will give him a munificent $100.00 compensation for said missing limb before continuing upon his way. He is a kind and generous man.

Go thou and do likewise.


Doctor (detour?notwhenthere'ssomanywillingemployees) Seagull

"Ideas are the factors that lift civilization. They create revolutions. There is more dynamite in an idea than in many bombs."
~Bishop Vincent~

Monday, February 06, 2006


...And After Three Days, They All Start To Smell

The Question arises many times, what to do with unwanted guests

Dearest Doctor Seagull,

When beings come to visit us, they do not seem to want to leave. My son had a friend who came to visit & stayed for three months. I have a relative who came to visit nearly three years ago, & is still around more than not, & a little stray dog who has been here for nearly four years. My daughter's friends are here most every week-end & every school vacation. These beings sometimes appear to be more comfortable in my home than I am. To date, even my worst of moods has not run them off.
Any suggestions?

In urgent hopes,

Crowded in Crested Butte


Dear Crowded,

Perhaps The Doctor is not the best person to query about this particular problem seeing as how The Doctor let one woman do His laundry ten years ago and now has 20 wives. However, a few simple suggestions come to mind...

1. Wear no clothing and paint your body with colorful water-based paint so that you look like the craziest of crazy persons. While in this state go around the house yelling, "EVERYBODY LIMBO!!" at the top of your lungs.

2. Buy a 12-gauge shotgun and empty rounds into the floor while jacking new cartridges into the chamber... remark upon the "neat noise" to you guests.

3. Place Measles Quarantine labels upon all the doors of your house. When questioned about them, deny that you have measles in your house. Deny it vociferously as if you were trying to hide something. Watch the fun!

4. Put Rohypnol (date rape drug) into the cola which you serve your guests. Once they are incapacitated and unconscious, dis-robe them and place their bodies in interesting poses and photograph them. When you guests recover consciousness, show them photos and black-mail them to stay away.

5.... and the last but certainly not least... Whenever one of your unwanted guests comes over be really friendly to them and mention that you do not get enough visitors ever since you were found to be H.I.V. positive... beg them to stay.

Good Luck,


Doctor (whynotbuyaskunkforapet?) Seagull

To send a letter to The Doctor, come to

Monday, January 30, 2006


Tequila Mockingbird

Recently The Doctor was questioned as to the nature of Tequila and cut-rate operations South of the border.

Hi Doctor Seagull,

I Have been drinking the tequila here in Mexico.

Do you think there are good liver transplants here?

Should I go to the Witch Doctor in town and ask him or do you have good Advice. Also which is the best tequila? Should you drink straight shots with lime and salt or should you drink slowly and have 6 margaritas daily? I think if you start in the morning, then you will be pickled for the rest of the day and you won't pick up Mexican bugs. They are crawling you know.

Also please tell me if I should get a witch doctor or a regular transplant doctor.

Thank you and happy drinking,

Pickled In Acapulco


Dear Pickled

Please be careful with the tequila. It is distilled from the fermented juice of the maguey cactus and has many un-known side-effects. The Doctor's last incident concerning tequila involved a surgical team, six weeks of traction and a shining pair of handcuffs loaned by the friendly officer.

Let caution be your guide.

As to type, and how to drink the rotten stuff, here's how The Doctor sees it:

Margaritas are only for when there are women present, when guys are drinking tequila, it is only the gay guys who order margaritas. Pounding shots of tequila (with lime and salt) is really the only way to do it correctly. Tequila is meant to damage liver and brain cells and cannot do its job correctly when diluted in a Margarita (besides, The Doctor believes that Cointreau is poison).

If possible, drink reposado. If rich, drink single barrel reposado anejo. If merely picky, then drink Sauza Conmemorativo.

As to transplants... The Doctor recommends that you travel from Mexico to Panama where the quality of operative antisepsis is much higher and your chances of contracting something as horrible as Systemic Malarial Infestation or H.I.V. or maybe a nice case of leprosy (Hansen's Disease) are slightly lower. As to finding a healthy liver for the transplant you have come to the right location... The Doctor has business associates who can find you a compatible liver in approx 4-5 working days, no questions asked, for only $15,000. Please let The Doctor know.


Doctor (andhewokeupinabathtubfulloficewithahugescar) Seagull

"A computer promotes the making of more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
~~ Doctor Seagull ~~

Friday, January 27, 2006


Be A Doctor, Doctor!

A two-fold letter, questioning the nature of the sender's educational routes and the role of his professions and tax accounting.

Dear Doc Seagull,

I want to be a Doctor. Not just refer to myself as such to get chicks and free manicures, or give out sage advice. I want to BE a Doctor. You know where the I.R.S. asks you 'occupation' on all it's forms? There. I want to put down DOCTOR and not get that queasy, burning sense of guilt I get when I put down PHILANTHROPIST or GUITAR VIRTUOSO. Any advice?


Headed for Medschool


Dear Headed,

Becoming a medical doctor is a winnowing process which The Doctor cannot recommend to you as being conducive to creating healers with hearts atuned towards the patient's human needs. However, if you want that legal M.D. to place upon your shingle, then The Doctor says; "go for it!" These days there are many medical schools overseas which are looking for students. Plus it is understood that even in the USA, some schools are actively recruiting. Do note that whatever route you take, student loans will be a lifetime albatross. There is also the proviso warning that doctors are making less and less money per working hour than ever before. Being a doctor should be a calling and not a profession. Merely worrying about how to designate yourself on your yearly tax statement shouldn't be the prod which sends you onward into the shredder.

Now, as to the I.R.S., most people are not aware that the I.R.S. is swamped. They only really get to look closely at about 15% of all the tax reports (1040) submitted by the populace. Of all these 15% actually looked at, less than 6% of those are actually audited and of the citizens audited, only 2% actually get penalties beyond financial fees assessed against them. (granted, the fees and penalties and interest can be a huge and ugly amount but all things can be negotiated ~ remember to be firm) So your chances of actually running afoul of the I.R.S. as long as you keep your return within standard parameters, most likely you will fall into the remaindered 85% whose tax statements only get a quick once-over by the computers which sort the pile which falls across the I.R.S.'s threshold ever year. The Doctor does advise, however, that you mail your tax return on April 15th exactly so that your return will arrive during the rush and therefore will be more likely to be lost in the sorting.

Remember to ALWAYS pay your taxes fairly and do not try to evade legal taxes.


Doctor (subtractlinesixteenfromtheaccumlatedsumoflinesfivesixandnine) Seagull

"The only things certain are death and taxes... and they're working on death."
~ Doctor Seagull (from "The Wit And Wisdom Of Doctor Seagull") ~

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


Up Up And Away!!!

Not everyone is in abject pain. Some are merely clueless...

Dear Doctor Seagull,

I am convinced that I have superpowers buried deep within my psyche. How can I get them to manifest?


Signed, Superhero Wannabe


Dear Superhero,

The Doctor needs to tell you that we ALL have superpowers locked deep within our psyches and it only takes hours of patience, concentration, luck and/or large doses of psychotropic substances to unlock them. In order to get your own powers to manifest themselves and allow you to access them for the good of all mankind, please follow the steps outlined below.

1. Purify you body by fasting thirteen days eating only fresh fruit and the cleanest of spring waters.
2. Purify you mind by spending two hours a day in lotus position concentrating on a mustard seed placed two feet in front of your legs and during meditation imagine said mustard seed growing into a bush.
3. Make yourself a skin-tight and flexible suit of clothes, preferably with vivid colors and a cape (conversely, Edna (E) Mode, the clothes designer from "The Incredibles" says... "No capes! Dahling!!").
4. Get a publicist to get you good press (Spiderman needs one of these).
5. Go and Save Mankind.

As with any and all advice given by The Doctor, please note that your results may vary.


Doctor (inasinglebound) Seagull

"What I do is based on powers we all have inside us; the ability to endure; the ability to love, to carry on, to make the best of what we have – and you don’t have to be a ‘Superman’ to do it."
~~Christopher Reeve~~

Sunday, January 22, 2006


The Loneliness Of The "Nice Guy"

One of the biggest questions of all time was asked of The Doctor...

Dear Dr. Seagull,

Why do all the nice guys have to watch the jerks get women? Perhaps the correct question is "Why are so many women attracted to assholes, and so few attracted to nice, grown-up men?" (they do exist) I've seen it over and over, women trying to stick it out with creeps who s**t all over them, while at the same time they turn down anybody who will treat them with respect...


Madman From Maine


Dear Madman,

The Doctor has done some research on the subject and He's beginning to believe that the culprit to the whole problem is the capacity of the hormone Estrogen to affect the mental well-being of the average female adult. Research by credible universities has shown that girls who are pre-pubescent have very high self-esteem quotients but when they have been interviewed and tested merely two years later, after puberty has set in, the girls/women have a much lower sense of self and tend to be much more prone to outside manipulation. This is the stage when these poor young mademoiselles seem to be prone to allowing cute but insensate boys to control their lives.

Fortunately for most women, this problem seems to disappear by the time they reach thirty. However, by that time, most of the damage has been done and they have gone through the mill with at least one or two boyfriends or lovers who are abusive and controlling. The girls seem to put up with these bad relationships because they believe that they deserve them.

The Doctor feels that this puts a moral obligation upon women in their early middle ages to start mentoring young girls. These women, taking the experiences of a lifetime (and the higher self-esteem which having lower estrogen levels seems to bring them), should reach out to their teen-age sisters and steer them clear of the loser boyfriends who made their elder's lives miserable and perhaps direct these fresh, eager-eyed lasses towards those nerdy but kind men who will make their lives more productive, loving, and happy.

Sisters of the World Rise Up!! Help Your Younger Siblings Avoid Bad Choices.

This message has been paid for by Doctor Seagull's Political Action Committee Against Stupidity.


Doctor (yesdearhe'scutebuthe'sabutthead) Seagull

For more information about Dr. Seagull, contact and join the forum.

Friday, January 20, 2006


Where Do You Want To Go Today?

The Doctor is constantly asked about careers, as is evidenced by this letter.

Dear Doctor Seagull,

I need some help with my career. I've been a programmer, a systems analyst, a dive motel desk-jockey, a technical writer, a street musician, and a network administrator.

I want a good job, a brainless, high-paying job that will allow me to spend the afternoon in the executive hottub and not be missed, while simultaneously maintaining and accruing job security and respect from the riffraff - any ideas?


I Jus' Wanna Be Rich!


Dear I Jus',

The Doctor recommends psychiatry. It is fun, rewarding, and seldom involves heavy lifting.

Barring being able to go through the training necessary for this profession (or the guile to buy a diploma as The Doctor did), then perhaps stock broker or bookie might be a good profession. The Doctor is aware of little difference between the two. Both involve getting miserable people to gamble and both require the heart and soul of a Mako Shark. They do, however, pay well.

Barring these suggestions, have you considered becoming king? There was a gentleman named Norton who successfully declared himself Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico and proceeded to live his life paying for nothing because he got people to indulge his insane behavior and comp meals, hotel rooms, clothing etc. to this strange yet amusing man. Give it a try. The USA is in need of men of his caliber.


Doctor (whereisEmperorNortonnowthatweneedhim?) Seagull

"A Fool's Paradise is better than none!"
~ Doctor Seagull ~

Thursday, January 19, 2006


Nailing the Head on the Hit

Recently, a question about the nature of healing injuries came to The Doctor

Dear Doctor Seagull,

A couple of months back, a cute little 5-year-old girl slammed my thumb in a car door (accidentally) - after bleeding profusely and dancing better than I ever have before, I got it under control and it started to heal. Now, I need to know what can I do to make my thumbnail (which had to be surgically removed (by me, a screwriver, a pair of surgical shears, and a small plastic baggie of organic green (and gold) stuff)) grow back and look quasi (or, hopefully totally) normal?

In Hopes Of Healing,

Signed, Lefty


Dear Lefty,

The Doctor is assuming that there is some growth of the nail or you wouldn't be asking this question. If there is some growth, then the tendency of the body is to re-establish the nail eventually. The Doctor has seen this process take up to a year to finally resolve the re-growth and He will warn you that you may never get the nail to come back as straight or smooth as it once was.

If, however, as the nail was removed the cuticle root of the nail was damaged, then short of multiple surgeries to "graft" nail root onto the end of the finger, nothing can probably be done about the missing nail short of cosmetic nail replacements which are temporary at best. The nail is actually a type of hair and just like hair, without a healthy follicle, it cannot grow.

Consult your local physician and see if you cannot use this painful experience to get some good drugs out of him.


Doctor (manthatmustahurt!!!) Seagull

"I hate it when that happens!"
~Billy Crystal~

Monday, January 16, 2006


Short Discussion About Stress

How to deal with unreasoning bureaucrats, this was recently asked:

Dear Doctor Seagull,

I'm havin' a real hard time with public servants nowadays. For instance, after researching the US Post Office web site, it says they take debit ,cash, & traveler checks to purchase a post office money order. After spending 15 minutes in line, I get to the podium only to be told they ONLY take cash.

NOW,the information I observed, from the USPS web site, plainly said differently.
How would you of handled this situation?


Really Stressed


Dear Stressed,

The Doctor had a similar situation when dealing with his local municipality's parking ticket system (a most unreasonable group of people The Doctor will assure you) and He recalls that at that time He found the name of the manager in charge of the parking division and sent him a series of harassing and intimidating letters until he got what he wanted and an abject apology to boot.

The Doctor has discovered that when dealing with bureaucrats (and receptionists, their evil spawn), it is advisable to take a long-term view and delay the instant gratification of pulling one's pistol out of hiding and hosing down the room full of miscreants. That way one can bask in the joy of long-term gratification which comes from making some poor cubicle dweller's life so miserable that the wheels of justice grind a little faster to your ultimate reward.

It is much more satisfying and seems to get one arrested less often.


Doctor (hemademesomadeyewantedtogivehimatwelvegaugeenema) Seagull

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
~~Will Rogers~~

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